


Mama, Where Do Minions Come From

by LadyRachael



Category: Girl Genius (Webcomic), Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975), Princess Bride (1987)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-02 03:28:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19191013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyRachael/pseuds/LadyRachael
Summary: An instructional pamphlet for Mad Scientists, Overlords, Professors, and Parents/Guardians thereof.





	Mama, Where Do Minions Come From

1\. Where do Minions come from? 

The short answer is: who ever is closest, most expendable, or gullible enough to be conscripted for your Great Work. * Good* minions, however, can take more effort.  
1.b Talent pools and Training  
Trained minions make your Great Work a reality sooner, especially in the case of Mad Scientists or Professors. If you have a long established or hereditary population center, congratulations on your ready supply of half trained Minions! You can increase their efficiency by implementing or improving mandatory education. For Professors, make sure to utilize the tradition of Grad students and Teacher's Assistants. If you are without a reliable source of minions, you can contact the local Henchperson's Union to fill in the gaps. Please be advised that Union Henches must follow the rules, and so also must you follow the Union Contract. Pay special attention to part 13.b. subsection a - Acceptable Losses.

2\. A Swift but Inevitable Betrayal 

Often, you will find that others do not share your Vision for the Great Work you are attempting. Betrayal is the downfall of many Great Minds, often coming from unwilling conscripts, misguided lovers, and miscellaneous "Hero" types. The chances are reduced by: using Union Henches, who are contractually unable to betray their Boss, being open and honest with your love interest while making yourself seem like the winning side, and avoiding the attention of "Heroes" by keeping the populace as happy as possible.  
Sadly, you will probably, at some point, be required to "Show Them, Show Them ALL!" Which brings us to 

3\. The Care and Feeding Of, and To, Failed Experiments 

Or - The Dogs, (Bears, and Cyborg Sea Creatures) Of War 

When it comes time to Show Them All, choose your Affront to Nature carefully. No one takes you seriously if you have an army of chickens or squirrels. If you must have Rodents, make sure they are at least of Unusual Size. If you want a less traditional, but still terrifying option, rabbits are surprisingly effective (first utilized by the Dark Lord Monty, who gave them big, pointy teeth). Predators are a popular choice, with dogs the clear favorite, providing aggression and unwavering loyalty to their handlers. In coastal areas, many find sharks to be useful, as long as they are not made intelligent enough for betrayal (see section 2). Large cephalopods are popular in open water, and for some reason, Massachusetts. If you attempt any creature using time travel or fossilized DNA, make certain that it imprints on yourself or a highly trusted lieutenant. On that note-  
3.b Ensuring Creature Loyalty  
A simple rule is - Dogs and many other pack predators will be happy with sufficient food and the occasional "Good Boy!", but cats, predatory birds, and any near human intelligence creatures will require bargaining and agreements you must keep or they will turn on you. Humans will rationalize as long as you have something they want, animals will not. 

4\. Hubris and You

(Don't Tempt Fate, She Bores easily)

Many common problems with Minions can be avoided by following a few simple tenets.  
A happy minion is a productive minion - keeping your people alive and in good condition (food, exercise, sleep, shelter, reasonable leisure activities) keeps you from dealing with Section 2. A Swift but Inevitable Betrayal.  
Reasonable security measures- all guard shifts should be randomized and frequent check ins mandatory.  
4.b Don't Say It - Common Phrases to Avoid  
*I made you, you WILL obey me (No, they won't)  
*I am Invincible (No, pretty much as soon as you say it, you're not)  
*You die at dawn/sunset/high noon/when the planets align (Great, now they know when to escape by)  
*You look familiar, have we met? (This is either the Hero in a simple disguise, or the plucky sidekick in drag)  
*You can not escape, my master plan/weakness is... (They'll be gone in an hour, with knowledge of your plan/weakness)  
*You are my most loyal ally/lieutenant/lover/spouse/child, but I must betray/sacrifice you for power/influence/fun/because it's Tuesday. (See above, loyalty goes both ways)  
4.c So You're the Subject of a Prophecy  
You may as well choose a successor now. If you want to delay your doom as long as possible, remember that heroes always have tragic backstories. Try to avoid situations that will create them, treat your people and creations well, and remember that the Henchperson's Union is here to help.

 

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